i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
