Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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