Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
ttyl tear gas
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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