So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
