Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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