He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol