Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath