Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
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At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?