My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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