The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
