Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hippo gnu deer
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
