i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
