if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
my liver is dry heaving
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
