Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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