I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
