How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am available for nakedness
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
