hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
