so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
