Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
