That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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