nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
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I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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