I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
