If that was your dad, he is hot
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
handjob tips. give me some.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
