I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
