in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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