I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
