I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
