Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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