Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
