oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
