I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
