I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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