I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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