I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
