Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
