I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
