who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
