you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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