i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
