You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
