I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
