Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
