my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
