Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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