My nipple is on Facebook.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
