I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
