Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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