Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
