Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
