a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
