Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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