He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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