remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
