oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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