I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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