i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
