why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
