I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We don't watch enough power rangers
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
