People in love make me want to vomit
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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